“That girl wasn’t who she wanted to be anymore,
but sometimes you don’t get to choose who you are.”

― Catherine McKenzie

My family had a secret it kept.

I did not learn of this secret until I was a teenager. It was like a ghost in our home. The event and the ripples of its trauma influenced everything. Yet, I did not know of its existence. I was in high school when someone told me. I do not even remember why it was shared. It was mentioned once and never again.

I did not explore this secret until later in life. My mother spoke of it as she aged. My uncle told me the story as he remembered it from one of my adult work trips and visits. Knowing this secret helped me make sense of why my family functioned the way it did.

It makes me wonder:
     • Do organizations keep secrets?
     • Leaders from managers?
     • Managers from the workforce?
     • Owners from stakeholders?
     • Consultants from clients?

I hope not. Navigating a system with a secret is impossible and ripe with minefields.

     • Can you relate to this real thing and metaphor?

I am reflecting on this secret this morning because I have just anointed another male friend as a brother.

My mother spent her life adopting “sons” and since her passing, I have found myself finding brothers everywhere.

The secret that was too painful to share was an ingredient in the dynamics of my family. I learned that my parents and sister experienced the loss of a five-year-old boy, a son, and a brother before I was born. I do not think any of them ever recovered from this tragedy. Unknowingly, I had stepped into a broken system and tried to fill the shoes I felt were expected of me.

Friends who know me well will say that explains a lot about why I am who I am and act like I do. I am only just developing an understanding of what that really means.

So, my mother found herself drawn to men who would have been the age of her son, and they were incorporated into her circle and often included in our family gatherings.

Not long after my mother died, after spending her last year of life with me, brothers started showing up in my life.”

Not every man can be a brother. It is a committed relationship that means this person shares my values, is someone I want to know deeply, and from whom I hear frequently. I will know them to be a new brother almost immediately. A soul mate and someone I want to be my best for and to know that I can share all parts of myself with. It is not a romantic relationship but is filled with love, respect, and caring.

It does not come with any responsibility or obligation — just lots of heartfelt expressions, laughter, and shared experiences.

I know that friendship, family, and relationships are the true precious objects of living. I feel rich in my ocean depth of relationships. This morning I woke with the awareness that another brother had been added to the clan. I will have to let this guy know about his new status in my life.

There are some sisters too. They are most often little sisters or even adopted nieces and nephews. You can never have enough family or friends — or a network of individuals who care about the things you deeply care about.

Though I never married or experienced the joy of having my own children, I am happy in my family relationships and with my adopted brothers and sisters. I will proudly become the “Favorite Auntie” to your tribe. That suits me, especially as I move into this senior phase of my life.

While attending an international conference hosted in Cleveland this week. One presenter, talking about the concept of courage, asked us to reflect upon our network of relationships and assess if these relationships were diverse in age, race, gender, ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation, social and economic variety, and other attributes. I happily started to write down my closest relationships and found them to be a wonderful collage of difference. The speaker shared that it is these non-homogeneous relationships that lend to the richness of life and perspective.

I am proud to be surrounded by wonderful souls who encourage me to be who I am — weirdo and all. Daily, I learn from and are stretched by them.

The pandemic created some space between us that I am actively working to reclaim.

• Want to join my tribe and, me yours?

You do not have to become a brother or sister — we can maintain some boundaries, you know.

With Thanksgiving just around the corner (my favorite holiday), I am grateful for the richness of my relationships and appreciate all of you!

Leslie

“A true friend never gets in your way
unless you happen to be going down.”

— Arnold H. Glasgow