“I used to think that the worst thing in life
was to end up all alone. It’s not.
The worst thing in life is ending up
with people who make you feel all alone.”
— Robin Williams
I have no experience being a married person. I have not yet fulfilled that commitment.
Though I do aspire to a partnership commitment with someone who wants to grow and age with me, living adventures and acts of kindness til the end.
Is this fantasy created by too many rom-com movies? Or can a happy ‘marriage’ be discovered, even later in life?
• Do the vows of ‘til death do us part’ and ‘in sickness and health’ inspire you?
Again, you might be wondering why I am now fixing my gaze upon the subject of marriage and healthy relationships.
I have dedicated my business-life to supporting the creation of healthy and sustainable working environments and working relationships. So why not bring some of this goodness into my personal life?
I was not born into or raised in a happy, healthy marriage of my parents. My mother and father were both very good people – but not suited for each other. Social norms created pressure for them to marry after college. Their World War II generation worked the American Dream of the 50s very hard. When my parents experienced the death of their firstborn at the age of five, their marriage was irreparably broken. I was born one year later to join an older sister in this unhappy marriage.
Please don’t feel sad for me. Most people have had a dose of tough family dynamics. Mine has shaped me into the person I am today (a person I am proud to be). Everyone involved tried their best – but it was not an era for asking for help or seeking counseling.
I share all this because I did not have a role-model system to learn about healthy, happy partnerships and marriages.
So, this spring of 2023, in the fourth year of living differently since COVID joined our world, I am turning my observation skills to finding and learning about healthy partnerships and marriages.
Please don’t be surprised if I ask you my research question, “What contributes to a healthy, happy marriage?”.
I have many friends and colleagues who have grown apart from their partners and who — after their children left the household — divorced. Some found a new relationship and a few found a commitment filled with mutual respect and the “no-need-to-change-the-other-person wisdom” that we might find in our mid-life.
I am very happy that my three nieces have made great partnerships and have created happy homes for their children. I love to observe how the next generation of men and women approach their roles. Yes, the times have changed.
I surround myself with people who enrich my life and also with those who have found a way to open their hearts to love for the first, second, third, or even fourth time. And, I do have a pack of happy single friends who make great travel companions.
I am graced with many friendships that I truly value. I am content with my life as it is. If you know me well, you know I have never had children, but you also know that I will happily lean in to help with yours. It is to my dog pack that I am “Mommy.”
• Yet, is it still possible to find that person with whom I would like to commit?
• And you? Do you have it now? Will you share your relationship advice?
I am working with an organization filled with individuals in their senior years. Most have been married. Some widowed. Many have found a new partner. They encourage me to keep my heart open and to open my eyes and mind to the possibility.
They readily share their advice when I ask them about the secrets to their making a strong marriage.
“Leslie, it requires hard work.” I respond, “Understood.”
“And effort.” I nod.
A dear friend and former pastor surprises me with this piece of advice, “Sleep in the same bed. Naked. And love your body and your partner’s body.” My face turns red as the hard-wired Puritan in me blushes. Yet I think that this is truly a wise thought.
Another advises, “Love them as they are. You are not the fixer-upper of your spouse.”
Yes, this pearl of wisdom hits home.
I would observe from my friends, Louise and Rodney both in their second marriage, that they play to each other’s strengths and laugh a lot! I am so grateful that they let me hang out and vacation with them as their single gal pal who brings her dog pack with her. I may never marry, but I will luxuriate in the healthy marriages of my friends and family.
This is my little research project for the Spring. Feel free to share your thoughts. I have a hunch that while it is all common sense, for me it has not been common practice.
Leslie
“I don’t want to be married just to be married.
I can’t think of anything lonelier than spending the rest of my life
with someone I can’t talk to, or worse,
someone I can’t be silent with.”
— Mary Ann Shafer
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