“Who shall tell the lady’s grief
When her Cat was past relief?
Who shall number the hot tears
Shed o’er her, beloved for years?
Who shall say the dark dismay
Which her dying caused that day?”
— Christina Rossetti
Everyone has a different reaction when experiencing a wounded heart. As I told of the traumatic loss of my rescue dog, Big Boy, to cancer, everyone expressed their sympathy, some reassured me that I had made the best and most respectful decision in having him put to sleep, and a surprising number of people said,
• “That is why I don’t have a pet.”
• “I could not face that pain.”
• ”I don’t want to ever feel like that again.”
• “No animal can replace this animal in my heart.”
I understood the full variety of response. I still tear up when thinking about Big Boy, when sharing his story, and when remembering our last month together. Yes, my heart still feels the pain.
And yet, I believe that living is embracing all the many emotions that come with being vulnerable and risking relationship with people and animals.
I shared with everyone that the decision to let Big Boy go (animal lovers refer to it as following the rainbow bridge) was more difficult than supporting my mother in the last year of life. I think that is because our pets cannot tell us how they feel or what they need and we have to make all the decisions without their voiced input.
Big Boy would have lived through the pain, suffered greatly for us. He was stoic and wanted to be at our side — me and his faithful friend Buddha Bear — until the end. But I could not ask that of this dog, whose life started with hardship and ended with recovery and unconditional love. If Big Boy could get past his wounded heart from his rough start to build trust in relationship again, so would I.
That’s the lesson. When we are hurt or disappointed by relationships, the big step is not to close or harden our hearts but to instead feel the pain, grow from the experience, and open up to the next best relationship that is just around the corner.
I have felt this wounded heart feeling when good employees chose to go elsewhere, when long-term client relationships end, and in my personal relationships. It comes with being in relationship and investing one’s self fully.
It does take time. It is important not to jump into a new relationship without healing. But I also learned that I needed not to close the door on a new relationship. It would happen when I was ready – if I kept my heart soft and my mind open.
I want to continue to grow in relationship with others and to fill my life with the joy and responsibility of four-footed friends. So it was just a matter of time before a new dog found us. It happened through a relationship.
Just months after Big Boy’s passing, Miguel, an employee in a former client’s company, expressed his sympathy. He asked the question that everyone had been asking: “Are you going to get another dog.’ My answer was quick, ‘No. I want to dedicate myself to my original dog, Buddha Bear, as he is going to be ten years old this year.’ Then I paused. I continued with, ‘However, if I was to get another dog….it would be a French Bull Dog. I love this breed.’ Miguel, quickly said, ‘Leslie, you know I breed Frenchies, don’t you?’
No I did not. And so I replied, ‘Well, let’s do this, when you have your next litter, let me know.’ I thought that this would give me time to heal, but the universe had other plans for me and Buddha Bear. Miguel smiled and said, ‘They are three weeks old, Leslie.’ A litter of six boys and one girl, French Bull Dog puppies. Yikes! So now, what to do? Open the heart, explore the potential relationship, and trust that if it was meant to be it would be easy to see.
Relationship brings out emotion and yet to make for good, long-term, lasting relationship it takes commitment and clear-headed assessment. I brought my Big Boy Big-Heartedness to the opportunity and used my common sense to evaluate the opportunity. I went slow, considered all the options, assessed the responsibility and impact, tested the strength of the relationship, and involved Buddha Bear in the decision making.
It has taken effort and adaptability to forge a new relationship but I can happily tell you that ‘Crook’ (because of his crooked tiny tail) joined our family and has been growing with us. He is learning and we are learning. We are getting past the bumps that come with a new relationship and we are having fun seeing life through the fresh eyes of a learning being.
I haven’t forgotten Big Boy. Just the opposite, I think of him daily. But Crook is his own man. And ours is a new relationship. Buddha Bear has even perked up after his heart healed.
And to make our lives more complicated, I fulfilled a promise to Buddha Bear (who has always wanted a kitty-cat and didn’t understand why I kept adding dogs to our family), with a dog-confident kitty named Nala who was sourced through the City of Lakewood Animal Control.
We entered 2020 with new relationships in abundance and full hearts. Each member of this relationship family is contributing and finding their way.
I draw strength from my four-footed friends as they role model for me how to recover from relationship hurt and keep my heart open and ready to forge the next relationship with fresh learning and more ability to bring the best of my whole self to the people-world.
• Have you learned any life lessons from a source different that our human world?
• Have you recovered a relationship or forge a new one having been heart-hurt?
• How do you keep yourself open to the joys and challenges that come from being in relationship?
Many people have confessed to me that they are “better with animals than they are with people.” I really understand this statement. I want to be as good a person with people as I am with my unconditionally-loving furry friends. I am grateful to have them as life teachers.
Leslie
“Love is love,” I told her, as I tell all of my patients
who are ashamed to find themselves shattered by the death of a dog.
Loss is loss.”
— Meg Donohue
