“It is only through shadows that one comes to know the light.”
— St. Catherine of Siena
Do you have someone with whom you can talk without restraint? Someone with whom you can sort your thoughts, share your frustrations and unfiltered concerns?
Does this person listen without judgment? Without the need to find your solution for you. Instead, does this person ask you questions and broaden your perspective by pausing you to think “What else could it be?”
If you are so fortunate, you have a shadow consultant in your life. And probably a very good friend.
I serve in this capacity professionally. I have learned that listening and asking questions is far more powerful than telling and giving advice.
I couldn’t do what I do or muddle my own issues in life without having many good shadows.
This week when a respected colleague and friend with whom I share consulting work, fielded my rambling storytelling about some personal interactions that poured out of me at the beginning of a call with a quiet, listening presence, and only when I had run out of steam did she plant a non-judgmental, open question that changed my entire thinking and energy. What a gift!
My shadows need to be strong and even courageous because I bring big energy to my issues. It is never anger or threatening but I speak with a great deal of intensity. I am grateful that there are individuals who love me enough to challenge my thinking, attachments, and even things I think are truths.
This particular friend/colleague/shadow named Joanne doesn’t raise her energy to match mine but instead becomes quieter, calm, and kind. I then mirror her energy which helps me to open my mind to her questions.
I wouldn’t be who I am today without the caring guidance of mentors and shadow consultants in my life. I believe the kindest and most respectful gift you can give another person is your unconditional support. A shadow consultant goes a step further to want to support your success without any motivation of their own. They don’t assert their own need to change you but instead respond to your need.
Joanne helps me be the person and consultant I desire to be as well as modeling for me the skills and behaviors of a responsible shadow consultant. She stretches me in the most positive ways and keeps my skillfulness in good shape. I always leave our conversations with a calm, a new perspective, and my own ability to stay in whatever situation I am navigating.
Do you offer this support to anyone?
Where do you find this kind of unconditional listening?
We call this shadow consulting because the individual stays in the shadows while you step forward and take responsibility for your actions. There is no puppetry or manipulation in this type of relationship but rather self-less support.
The tools of the shadow consultant are calm, active listening; a curious and a non-judgmental approach; the ability to ask non-biased questions; and make simple observations, all from a position of supporting — not problem-solving.
I am reminded that it takes time, a conscious presence, and quiet. It cannot be rushed, and your own agenda needs to be set aside. The opportunity to be another person’s shadow might interrupt your day, you own busyness, and it is rarely a planned event. I have a hunch that I have missed many opportunities to be a good shadow and have responded with too much talking and advice-giving.
Thank you, Joanne, for helping me to find my footing and renewing my commitment to caring, remaining calm and use of good questions into every relationship!
May you have someone who wishes for your well-being and supports you with being your shadow.
Leslie
“A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.”
– Eeyore, “Winnie-the-Pooh”
Post Script
I love when my writing and ruminating sparks another person to share their experiences. My friend/colleague and shadow consultant responded to my use of the word shadow with these thoughts:
Have we spoken about Sawu Bona? A Zulu greeting translating as “I see you,” conceptually used in many of the black cultures in South Africa (probably southern Africa) An elder or senior person uses the greeting “I see you” and the response translates as “I am here”.
Until you see me, I am not here. While in the Peace Corp in South Africa, I picked up the energy of the elder/senior/power person needing to SEE someone before someone is recognized.
I find the word “shadow” takes me a bunch of places: Jung, shadow/light, shadow cabinet, covert, real, if there is no light there is no shadow, follows you everywhere, you throw a shadow, you are in the shadow, you work from the shadows, hide in the shadows, in several style assessment tools. When a strength is over- or under-used, it is called your shadow. I don’t remember knowing the idea of a shadow consultant. But I get it, I think.
The shadow cabinet in politics seems to be the not-public counselors, those without titles and responsibilities. Behind the scenes.
I find myself liking that. In looking at my Clifton Strengths Finder information, I am a shadow person! (A people whisperer!) My top 10:
Input
Ideation
Intellection
Individuation
Strategic
Learner
Arranger
Adaptability
Connectedness
Positivity
OK – back to your blog draft –
I am tickled to have supported the experience you described!
And you called it a gift! I am jazzed to give gifts, and to be received through engagement with you as a gift is kind of wonderful.
When I considered riffing on “shadow,” it was very Jungian. Your writing helped to shift me from my strong Jung-bias!
My recent deeper dives into our Saboteur voices (from the book ‘Positive Intelligence’) is also resonating here. The overuse of a strength creating the Saboteur and is a shadow consultant, therefore, consulting to another’s shadow? Isn’t that an interesting idea? Coaching is shadow consulting?
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Thank you for seeing me, Joanne. I see you too.
Should you want a ‘shadow’ like Joanne Lakomski, she can be reached at joanne@humanresorceress.org
This long-distance exchange of thinking really reinforces my need to stretch out of the comfort and cocoon that is created by living in a Pandemic bubble. I need to stretch my muscles both physically and mentally to stay strong and vibrant.
Where and how might you find your stretch?
Still learning and loving my work and working relationships.
Sawu Bona! “I see you.”
Sikhona! “I am here.”
Leslie
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