Things end. People leave. And you know what? Life goes on.

— Elizabeth Scott, “Perfect You”

This is the last blog in The–Pandemic–as–a–Marathon series and I am circling back to ask myself what I have learned, what I will advance, and what I will be letting go of as I move into our new normal.

As I discovered from my interviews, there were lots of lessons learned during the pandemic, lots of changes we made. I know that I ran straight into a life lesson I had been avoiding, a pattern I continuously repeated, and a situation that cried for my attention. It took a pandemic to bring me to full realization and acceptance — I was ‘stopped dead in my tracks.’ Or more accurately, my romantic relationship was ‘stopped dead’ during the COVID crisis.

The time by myself gave me the clarity to stop the struggle and accept the relationship for what it was….and what it wasn’t. This is not a heart-wrenching break-up story but rather a simple reconciliation of reality. I now understand what Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin meant when they announced their split as a “conscious uncoupling.”

Time alone with my thoughts and internal conversations helped me to arrive at a more conscious understanding of my dance with romance and my never giving up on recovering a failing relationship. And the uncoupling was like a diet. I, who was in a long-distance relationship for fourteen years that never advanced further into weaving our lives together, simply took the energy I was devoting to keeping something that was not growing and put it towards parts of my life that I was neglecting, and which needed nurturing. All the advice I wisely give other people about maintaining balanced relationships and boundaries were now mine to apply to my own life.

I may sound cavalier. But there is heartache involved; and there will be hurt feelings. I can step back knowing that I gave it my all (and maybe gave it too much). That is the lesson that this pandemic has plopped in my lap: A learned behavior from my dysfunctional family and my parent’s dysfunctional marriage that I have carried around too long. It is now time to put it down.

There is no blame. No shame. No one has been wronged. This is simply my lesson to own and embrace. I must take responsibility to let go of my need to fix, repair, and fight for something that is not meant to be.

We are past the angry words and the fights. I am too numbed and have become too distanced for romance to flourish. I have let myself fall into the trap of being too much a coach, counselor, project manager, trip planner, list maker, emotional translator, and conflict mediator that it has squeezed out the paramour, friend, and intimate.

You might ask, “Why did it take fourteen years and a pandemic to cause you to finally end the relationship?”

There are many answers, many explanations, many excuses. As many as you have when you talk about the employee you finally let go after years of trying to make it work. Or maybe you have a similar personal relationship story to which you can relate.

It isn’t all bad or a misfit. The times of connection feed the time of disconnection. The aspiration of a happy ending is often compelling and very elusive. What attributes we each carried for hard work, determination, loyalty, and commitment pulled us through the deserts of times when we were not aligned.

The biggest missing ingredients of this relationship were growth and vulnerability. We never found our sweet spot for growing together or for developing a shared vision of our future. I am better for having known him, he for having known me. We each grew differently, just not together.

Today, I am hoping that social-distancing will last long enough for me to break the cravings I have for a very nice guy who needs someone much different than me. I lack willpower when it comes to sugar, carbohydrates, and nice guys (who need an emotional translator).

It has taken a pandemic to break me of a lifetime habit.

 Leslie