Many of us seek community solely to escape the fear of being alone.
Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving.
When we can be alone, we can be with others
without using them as a means of escape.”
― Bell Hooks
No — I am not building a dating app designed for individuals who find themselves “Later in Life.” Though I must confess that I have cruised through a few of these apps and discovered cams and men still looking for love (in all the wrong or right places). I was never a “go to the bars” type of girl and I think the world of dating apps has become too fraught for me as well — I am a sucker for a good story and a romantic line — but I know I must resist.
Once I start a good research project, I don’t want to step away too soon before I discover the universal lessons held in collective experiences. As I stated last week, this is my little Ph.D. thesis: research into marriage and relationships. So far, good advice from all corners is raining in upon me. I would like to share some of the insights.
The question, you will recall, in that most recent blog was: “What advice would you share about your relationship with a spouse or significant other?”
I heard from individuals who have been married for decades and navigated illness and the death of their spouses. I have witnessed the very special moments of these relationship where the vows of “In sickness and health” become a reality and true courage, love, leadership, and compassion rise with the greatest tenderness in the most difficult of moments. This level of loyalty inspires me.
I have shared the sad stories of divorce; and celebrated the fun of second, third, and fourth marriages. I draw hope from the example that if you want to be in partnership there is someone in this world that wants to be there, too. A friend shared her advice, “it was respect and letting the other person be free and grow” that was the foundation upon which they built their relationship and family.
Another dear friend shared that a commitment later in life may be special because you “come to the relationship table with so much more.” Her email and thoughtful words were so honest and encouraging. Very much the advice my mother needed to hear in her formative years. This friend to both me and my mother guides me with motherly care and sisterly oversight. I consider both very precious. She, like several other individuals, emphasized that “most of all, you must really want to be married.” It is a commitment.
A friend from high school with whom I am proud to say I am still in contact, really summed it up well. He wrote: “I would never describe marriage as hard work. Every time I hear that, it strikes a wrong chord. I do feel that a healthy marriage requires intention – and attention. (I love that phrase.) And more than anything, acknowledgment that it’s a privilege to be together.“
He reflects further: “Maybe “hard work” is right after all…. But that work is not on the marriage but rather on the self. I work every day to be worthy of being my spouse’s partner. To fulfill the potential of making her life the best it can be. And I sense that she does the same.”
A workmate reminds me that the expression and sustenance of love is fueled by very simple actions: “good listening, practicing the pause, being curious, embracing the gentle silences, and having your own hobbies as well as common interests.” She counsels: “Have fun!!!”
I am learning from others that commitment is not without complications. However, everything in a relationship can be navigated with grace and grit.
I am so grateful to have so many examples of love and marriage. I find that these same people invest in friendships as well. Maybe the secret is in that little word — but powerful emotion — that can move mountains and drive out hate. The word — and emotion —is Love.
I am surrounded by individuals who chose love as their way of moving through the world. I choose this intention every day.
Though I have not made a marriage,
• I have been a work wife.
• I am the regular morning coffee buddy to my neighbor.
• I am the ‘third wheel’ to my married couple buddies.
• I have somewhat been ‘married’ to my career.
• I am loved, share love, and have a deep capacity for finding the heartfelt appreciation for all things.
• I am happy, well-adjusted, and very grateful for the life I have lived and am living.
I will settle for love, every day, in many ways, tapping into this generous power that fuels my system, bridges hardship, softens my anger and is the way I want to live and work and play long into the future.
Leslie
P.S. And while I do love a good rom-com movie, the wisdom of my peers is more realistic and helpful. Do you have a favorite lyric about love? Or a book? I am reading “All About Love” by Bell Hooks right now.
“To truly love we must learn to mix various ingredients
— care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment, and trust
— as well as honest and open communication.”
― Bell Hooks
Recent Comments