When We Lose Control

“Problems are not the problem;
coping is the problem.“

— Virginia Satir

How you choose to give feedback, resolve a difference, or make your point with another person demonstrates whether you want to heal the relationship, establish a boundary, or just make your opinion known.

I have experienced a season of chronic stress. I have observed that despite my good intentions my interpersonal abilities have been affected by the unrelenting demands of life and work.

Though I work very hard at maintaining my self-awareness and self-control, I have experienced many human moments of ‘missing the mark’ with my good intentions and delivery.

How do I know that?

I know because I have lost control over my emotions with people closest to me. My body feels rigid and tight. And, I have received some feedback from those around me.

Some of the feedback was very helpful and shared in the form of concern.

I have learned that you can deliver a difficult message with love and respect, and have it accepted, and the relationship deepened.

Some of the feedback was more of a reflection of the other person’s needs, personal state, and their projections.

And some, just a moment of needing to “put someone in their place.”

In the past, I would become quiet, pulled back, and withdrawn from the person or situation. I am working on not running from these exchanges but throwing my arms wide open and embracing the opportunity to learn, grow, and explore my boundaries.

To remain sharp in my self-awareness, I spend time reflecting on previous weeks and interactions looking for patterns, lessons, and opportunities to double back on something that needs my attention.

I am in a phase in my life in which I am realizing the importance of each moment, each day, and the time I have to spend. Every day I am more conscious of how I spend my time and with whom I will spend that precious commodity.

As I reflect on previous days and weeks, I am choosing to invest in some relationships and divest of some relationships. As much as I want to like everyone and have everyone like me, I realize that is not a good use of my time or talent. If I am to truly be the friend, colleague, coach consultant, and family member to those individuals who are invested in me as much as I am invested in them, then I will need to make choices about how and with whom I spend my time.

Reflecting on the many interactions — some of which included feedback, concern, boundary setting, and the normal exchanges of work and life — I arrived at these observations:

The extent to which you care about the other person and want to maintain a healthy relationship is reflected by how you approach a moment to heal, share, or provide the other person with feedback or observations.

If it is just a one-sided exchange, the message might be received but leave the relationship bruised.

If you care about the other person, the sensitive conversation needs to be an exchange — where both individuals get to share their thoughts and reactions and talk it through until each is heard and understood.

If voices become raised, it is because someone doesn’t feel heard. If everyone needs to raise their voice, then the situation has become a power struggle.

If someone repeats themselves with some complaint/concern, they may not feel like they are being heard, or they just need to “hammer” away until they feel better. Either way, this relationship will start to fray.

If you do nothing — which is an action in itself — the betrayal still exists, and the relationship is singed; if not burned to the ground.

• Have you ever “burned a relationship bridge” with an intentional or unintentional action?
• Was it received as a minor or major betrayal?
• Did you make an effort to repair the relationship?
• What did you do?

To truly care is to risk the heat and enter the circle of your relationship with care and the desire to work it through to an understanding by both individuals. That is not easy – yet it is very essential to the well-being of relationships that you care to continue.

Forgiveness and letting go are important ingredients to making the passage, repairing disconnects, and deepening the trust of the relationships that matter to you most.

I will take responsibility for my part in a relationship. I accept everything that is shared with me. However, I am becoming more decerning about what is really mine to address, and what might just be a “hit and run” experience with someone who doesn’t care about continuing to be in my tribe.